Contemplation
by sweetjewel
Summary: Post 'Committed', Sara's thoughts on the closed case, Adam's attack and her childhood.


Summary: Post-"Committed", Sara's thoughts on the closed case, Adams attack and her childhood.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI and any of these characters.

Author's Note: This is just a personal take on what Sara's thoughts might have been after the events. I don't think that everyone got the same impressions and people's views may vary, but if you want to read on just give it a try. I can't expect that everyone likes it anyway.

**Contemplation**

"That would be better for both of them."

I could feel his eyes on me but he never commented my last sentence. I sensed him move away, his reflection disappearing from the mirroring glass. I couldn't bear his presence around, not now. I felt the need for distance and solitude, to compose myself and regain my strength completely. Because solving this case again brought me on the edge of what I didn't want to deal with for a long time.

* * *

I am still shaken by Adam's attack, but to find out his mother made him become the way he is now is a thought I will never be able to understand or accept. Her selfishness, her egoism had destroyed his development into a rationally thinking and emotionally satisfied individual. He started raping women because of his inability to have any intimate relationships other than to his mother. Still I wonder what people can do to each other. Especially how parents can harm their kids, their own flesh and blood. 

But in some way I now better understand why he was so fixed on me. During the interrogation he wanted me to only pay attention to him and not to turn over to Grissom. He is possessive, I realized. But he cannot connect to women either emotionally or mentally. Did I attract him? Probably that was the reason he went into the nurse station when I was alone inside. Adam saw the chance to live out his possessiveness on me because there was no one around who could take me away from him.

When I felt the broken off handle of this vase on my neck all I could think of was telling him he's right in everything he said. I couldn't get him away from me, no matter how much I tried to fight against him. But I remember Grissom appearing outside, and our eyes met. There I saw equal shock as he did in mine. And though I was scared of probably having my throat slashed – just seeing him on the other side of the glass pane gave me enough strength to not give up fighting and opposing Adam. It all actually was a horrible order of events no one of us was able to prevent or change in any possible way.

I can't figure out if I have ever before felt this frightened in my life, and not being able to escape Adam completely on my own doesn't make me feel any more comfortable. I am aware that life can change any time I can imagine, if I want it or not, because sometimes it's not in my own hands to prevent things from happening. But to be on edge of life and death will very probably haunt my dreams for a long time.

* * *

And the case itself reminded me of other uncontrollable changes in my life, too. I remember the time my father died. An act carried out by the person who gave birth to me. I remember visiting my mother in this mental hospital she was committed to for being evaluated. Then I was scared too. But not by the thought of being the victim of an attack. It was the fact that every inmate of this facility was insane and my mother probably was rated the same state of mind. 

I'm unsure if I am allowed to compare my personal experience to the completed investigation from now – but nurse McKay's own insanity was obviously the reason for Adam's development of morbid behaviour. Yes, crazy people do make me feel crazy, and actually sometimes I'm afraid my own sanity could be affected by the thought that my mother's genes are a part of me.

Back in 1984 I wasn't sure if I could ever be the same person again than I was before my life had changed forever. But visiting the hospital was a strange and almost surreal experience. I had the feeling no one was going to tell me the truth about anything happening with my mother. It seemed everyone working or being locked up there had something to hide. And the more terrifying thing was I also didn't even know if what my mother answered in the interrogations was the truth. So, was she insane? Or did she only want to protect me from the violence we all had to go through at home?

* * *

In some way I've been glad Grissom was around. Because after the attack I appreciated his question if I was alright. I appreciated the concerned look in his eyes while he asked me. I know everyone would have asked me the same thing, but to hear those words from him meant so much more to me than it maybe should do. And I appreciated his request if I wanted a replacement, if I felt strong enough to investigate further on. Yes, I wanted to finish the case. 

And some day I will also have to finish my internal battle. I really want to leave my past behind when I have been able to chase away my personal demons. I now realize I need to deal with my issues to find peace of my own. Everything else then may straighten out. My hope to be whole again as a human being and live on fulfilled without having nightmares about who I was, who I have become and where my way will lead me. My ability to enjoy life more directly. My wish to find out if Grissom could finally become more open-minded towards personal relationships.

But before I can start working on these things I know what my first priority has to be.

End.


End file.
